Thanks for stopping by my site. If you are trying to get pregnant my heart goes out to you, and I wish you all the luck in the world. I hope you’ll find some of the posts on here of interest, even though we are no longer TTC I will keep this site open – goodness knows I spent hours on the internet when I was in the trenches!
Well, I’ve finally decided to come out into the open. After spending years calling myself Nikki on here, I can tell you my name is Izzy and my partner Dean and I spent many years on a long, slow journey to hopefully becoming parents of our own children – he already has four (and now two grandchildren, yikes!)
Sadly, it didn’t happen and after five years, two IVF attempts and a rollercoaster ride of emotions, we pretty much called it a day. Never say never, but I’m 44 now and I was so over losing my life to something that might not happen.
So I can finally announce, with a sense of melancholc relief: “My name is Izzy and I am a survivor of infertility. There is life on the other side, and it can be pretty good!”
I don’t know at what point I was able to accept being childless, I think the necessity of clawing my life back from infertility became too strong.
The only way I can suggest how to can survive infertility is to find another focus in life. At least, that’s what saved me.
I still would love to have children and we may apply to adopt one day, but since summer 2015 my focus has been about creating the life I want, instead of being constantly trapped in limbo, which is what happens when you are trying to conceive for a long time.
I wrote here and here that the hardest thing of being childless is finding a new purpose in life if it is not to include motherhood. This was my biggest challenge, but I decided that if I can not have my own children, I can put myself in a position to be able to help others. And by others I mean humans, animals and the planet.
It sounds such a cliche to say I want to be financially successful, not because I’m interested in material possessions but because I want to make the world a better place, but it’s true.
Dean and I moved to the other side of the country to renovate an old house, temporarily at first but then the move became permanent. I left my career – helped by the fact that my last contract was so stressful I ended up in hospital with a suspected stroke!
At the same time, this girl came into our lives. I’m no great fan of calling pets ‘fur babies’ but Foxy (not Roxy, as I called her on here to protect her identity, ha) definitely brought with her so much healing and made life fun again.
We adopted Frankie a few months later, together with our old boy Sam they are the absolute sunshine of my days and have brought so much into my life – fun, knowledge, opportunities, people, embarrassing situations…
I always wanted to run my own business so Foxy was the inspiration behind my small e-commerce pet product company. I also used my love of the internet and my background in television production to start my own marketing and video company. They’re both small, right now, because we are still establishing our/Dean’s building business, and having joined him in that I’m still learning how to do it right, but they’re ticking away at a manageable level and they will flourish when the time is right.
Most terrifyingly of all, I decided to go public! I recently started a blog and a YouTube channel, Project Life Success, to record my journey and hopefully to be able to share with others who are wondering how on earth to run a business. I spent years wondering what and how to do it and if I can help someone get started faster that would be fantastic.
Being ‘out there’ is both terrifying and liberating – I am tired of hiding behind the shame of failing to conceive.
I guess pregnancy and babies just wasn’t to be for me. I have – finally – after much grief, heartbreak and dark, dark days – reached a place where I can decide to be grateful that I have the freedom of being childless to be able to do what it is that I need to do instead – and I’m not saying this is the recipe for everyone.
As the years hurtle by, it is literally terrifying. If you are going through TTC and infertility, whether you are 25 or 45, my heart goes out to you. I hope I can support you in some way, just as people have supported me.