Thanks for stopping by my site. I am on a long, slow journey to hopefully become a mother. After nearly 5 years of TTC following my OH B’s vasectomy reversal, there hasn’t been too much progress so far on that front, but I am still very much hoping for my miracle, one way or other!

I used to blog here but a few months ago my happy anonymity was rocked when a male colleague began following me on my supposedly-anonymous fertility Twitter account, which linked through to that blog. I checked my settings, and found I could be traced through my phone number. Gaahh! (HINT – double and triple check EVERYTHING in Settings if you want to be anonymous online!)

Although I haven’t done anything wrong, I feel such a sense of shame that I haven’t been able to produce my own children – yet – and anyway, there was so much personal stuff on there, so I immediately password-locked that site. All my blog posts are copied on to here, and my security settings are tight – I hope, anyway!

I am a 42-year-old stepmother of four, who last year became a step-grandmother, which was really hard to deal with. I know the odds are against me, but I still hope I will one day have my own child or children. Actually, I really NEED my own child or children.

Probably because being a childless stepmum is one of the loneliest things imaginable, and I don’t know that I want to stay with B, my fiance, if I am never going to have my own family.

Although we only officially started TTC in 2011, unofficially, I was hoping for a happy accident long before that, ever since a medium told us back in 2007 we would have our first child the following September. Oh LOL!

Last year I decided I needed to throw myself into learning what I could about what fertility I had left and I started to eat and live better than before. In September, 2014, we did our first IVF cycle, actually ICSI, and two beautiful embryos were inserted three days later. Sadly, although not surprisingly, they never implanted and the cycle was unsuccessful.

So far this year, I have thrown myself into losing weight. We will cycle again, I think, although as my age creeps ever upward I find myself wondering about all those other options available, options like IVF with donor eggs, and so on.

Long term TTC is hard. Long term TTC in your 40s is the most difficult thing I have ever experienced.

As the years hurtle by, it is literally terrifying. If you are going through it, whether you are 25 or 45, my heart goes out to you. I hope I can support you in some way, just as people have supported me.